Friday, March 9, 2012

10 Easy Steps To Get In Shape to Own a Horse

  1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.  Don't pick it up right away; shout "get off, get off!"
  2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall" and roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
  3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write a $200 check without even looking down.  Repeat at least four times a week.
  4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot.  Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing.  They might as well know now.
  5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt, smile as if you are really having fun and your arms don't kill you.
  6. Practice your fibbing skills.  "See, moving hay bales in 15 degree weather is fun."  "I am glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won first place."
  7. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
  8. Borrow the US Army slogan:  "Be all that you can be" but add "bitten, thrown, trampled, kicked and slimed."
  9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience."
  10. Marry money!

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